There are two simple ways to become famous in Uganda today. You either have to be extremely good at what you do or tremendously bad. You get some amount of recognition in both situations. If you’re reading this post with hopes of actually becoming famous, I assume you are bad at whatever is it that you do. Whether this is the case or not, you’re at the right place and you must follow this simple guide to becoming a Ugandan celebrity/socialite. This guide applies mostly to those branching out into the entertainment and the now booming ‘social and night life’ industry but if you want to be inspired, who am i to stop you?
Step 1: Like I mentioned earlier, you have to be extremely talented or suck tremendously. If you’re a singer, you must either be as good as the Good life crew or as bad as Master Blaster and the Amarula Family. This might be a bit confusing but if you’re undeniably untalented and hilariously so, the more jokes made about you on social media (more about this later), the more popular you become. Take our friend, Gravity here for example. I believe most active Ugandan Twitter users know how controversial this down town celeb is. He owes his twitter popularity not because of his music, but solely to his ‘pidgin English speaking talent’ and unbelievably tweet-crushing. It doesn’t matter how you become famous, the point is that you end up becoming famous. The end justifies the means in this case.
Plot Twist: Eddy Kenzo’s English
Step 2: Have no talent whatsoever. Release the crappiest music ever in the most horrible voice or consistently do some very bad acting. No one will love your songs or watch you act, but they will surely love looking at you even without knowing any of your over ten songs you claim you shot from South Africa or UK. However since visibility is key, make sure you are on every red carpet in some tacky dress. Someone please tell me what Zari or Zuena does again?
Step 3: Bleach your skin. I cannot stress this enough! Having a light skin is an absolute requirement to become a celebrity in Uganda. Bad Black and Amanda Models can testify to this. I do not recommend you do this but it has been said that they have a penchant for ‘light-skinned’ people in the Ugandan entertainment and social life industry. This is rather sad but if your melanin means nothing to you and visibly darker knees and knuckles is all that it takes to make it, you can go ahead and bleach your skin. From my observation, this applies mostly to video vixens and of course, our girls.However if you don’t know where to start, just seek the help of a certain (currently pregnant) hair stylist, whom we hear is a major importer of all things milky, Brazilian and Egyptian around town.Hope you get the drift but if you don`t ,I can`t help you any further.
Step 4: Social Media is your friend! It does not matter if you waste your whole life on social networking sites because you are going to end up becoming SOMEBODY. You must join Twitter, Facebook and Instagram (very important). Besides your personal Twitter account, you must create a fan page for yourself. I mean if you don’t promote yourself, who will? You must then go on your personal account and thank ‘the creators’ of your fan page so it seems like there are people who genuinely appreciate what you do. You can always buy followers for your fan page. I don’t expect that you believe people will actually follow out of their own free will.
Instagram is very crucial to your celebrity status. This is where you showcase all your material belongings. Real or fake, Katwe made or China, it doesn’t matter. That can be sorted out with the right filter. You must take pictures of items that generally come with huge price tags. If you’re lucky, you might get featured on Campus bee’s blog, having bought a UGX 700, 000 shillings pair of socks by “Chanel”. You should also invest in a new car but make sure you leave the car seats and Wheels covered so that we don’t doubt your credibility the way Bobi Wine’s Escalade parts begun playing hide and seek on the streets a few years back. Don’t forget to Instagram your new ride and of course, with the right filter.
Step 5: You need to rub shoulders with the high and mighty -the big boys and girls. When you’re fortunate enough to get invited for events, make sure you get a picture with as many famous socialites and musicians as you can. It does not matter how you achieve this. No one will be asking that when you put up a picture of you and a smiling Zari or Navio up on Instagram. You must pay careful attention to the caption. It MUST NOT read ‘I met Zari last night, was so excited! #Oshey’ Instead it must read ‘Me and my homegirl Zari chilling last night… #WeMakingMoney ’.
Step 6:Create an anonymous account on social media to attack anyone who dares to point out your lack of talent or lack of style, and in most cases lack of the two. By doing this, you won’t come across as sinking low to fight on Twitter. However you can be bold enough and use your real account for fighting back. Any fan that dares to insult you on Twitter, facebook or Instagram is a poor person. And should be reminded of such. Singers Gravity Omutujju and Wizkid from Nigeria are one of the artists known to be bold at making such moves and have enforced this a few times. Even though I am not quite sure how much Gravity’s pay cheque is, but that is a matter for another day.
Broke people always think dey have an opinion
Step 7: Join the Selfie nation. You must take the bathroom selfie in your underwear with your IPad/IPhone/Samsung/Tecno/itel gadget. Even if you don’t have a great body like Komuntale, Keep calm, you suck your tummy in and snap on. People who previously did not know that you had the latest IPhone or Samsung Galaxy gadget, Will become acquainted with that information. Hence they will know you are a big gal *rolls eyes*.
Step 8:Create a fan club account on Twitter to mobilize support for whatever scrappy venture you are involved in. That way it will look like there are people who actually support whatever it is that you do. Be it taking selfies at a funeral, performing on stage in undies or tapping other people’s beer at Panamera, they will surely support you. Just make sure they won’t begin mobilising against you the way Mbabazi did to Museveni. There am sure you won’t be spared when after your sex tape leaks.
Step 9: For the male celebs, the bar/club fight is a must. You can’t be a superstar without the club fight. Just make sure all the bloggers, tweeps and the children still using Facebook get the full details the very following day.
Step 10: Now,I left this for last due to the simple reason that this happens to be one rule you must adhere to if you must have any inkling of a chance of making it to celebrity top 10 in Uganda.The rule I`m on about to say, (*In Amin’s Voice*) is that you MUST,repeat MUST expose as much of your God/surgeon given assets as possible.When I say much,I mean it literarily. Okay in science they call it optical nutrition, in law we call it Infragrante delicto and Marilyn Monroe calls it nudes (others i hear sex tapes). It is very KEY that your boobs are always in full view of the public.How dare you have all those assets hidden and yet expect to be called a celebrity? shame on you! Make you no dull for this one at alllllll.
If you don`t know how to go about this please ask a certain jack of trades, masters and mistress of absolutely none called The UCU Sex Tape cast or our sister, Sheebah. Did i hear someone say that our virgin Irene Ntale premiered her debut sex tape yesterday?
WARNING: If you fall under the Cindy, Judith Heard or Mama Fiina category, please don’t try this at home or hostel. Don’t bother because you will crush land on planet Jupiter.
Anyway these are the simple steps to becoming a (rachet) celebrity in Uganda. I will be back to offer more tips but in the meantime, you will be setting yourself off on the right path once you adhere strictly to these rules. When you eventually make it, you must remember to stay humble and continue following these steps. Hopefully you would have become famous for being famous at this stage. I wish you the best of luck and God bless all our hustles. Now, go make us proud.